If you’ve read my newsletters or emails before year, you know I sign most “With joy and ease, Debra “.When I write “with joy and ease”, am I attempting to convey to you that I’m constantly joyous and everything in my entire life is just a cinch? (In other words, am I LYING?) Certainly not.
With this signature I intend to remind you and myself to find the path toward fulfilling purpose that feels joyous and easy. In the flow. Right for us. However, not anything that feels in this way also feels effortless.
Actually, over the year since I’ve refocused connect2 Corporation to steer women entrepreneurs to grow their businesses, I’ve frequently felt I’ve been powering through. Even though I’ve known I’ve been living the path that’s right for me – doing the professional work I’m supposed to be doing plus looking after my children, my home and myself – many times I’ve allowed the amount to get blaringly high. I’ve been doing the best things but way too many of these at once! Why? Because I’ve been afraid. Afraid that if I slow down, my children will suffer. Or my business will suffer. Or my divorce process will slow down further. Or more. Or worse.
So as much as I’ve been practicing living in experience of Spirit, I’ve also been burning out my power supply. Pretty consciously. Not willing to see a better way because I was convinced I was right: I was alone, solely responsible. And apparently, because I was fearful of upsetting anyone – especially my clients or loved ones – I clung to these beliefs.
But about per month ago my motor burned out. (Please forgive my metaphors if they don’t really make mechanical sense.) I’d been gearing up for my divorce trial, scheduled for June 28 and 29. Expecting it to be physically and emotionally exhausting, I conserved my energy. I chose not to attend a bar mitzvah or perhaps a dear friend’s wedding – both out of town – to help keep focused spotify a course in miracles. I swallowed my pride and faced my fears to require help. (And gratefully received it!) I did my level best to get ready, to create sound and rational choices. Of course, my days were still overly full. And I noticed things kept going wrong. They were not exercising with ease. I felt out of the flow. I sensed I was in power struggle. But I kept trying. And then, significantly less than two weeks before the trial was scheduled to start, I heard it had been probably be postponed for at least six months. The adrenaline I’d been living off plummeted. And I crashed hard.
First, I cried. (For me, this really is always an accomplishment.) Then I felt too drained to move. To see clients. To return phone calls, even personal ones. To write. I was fried. I assumed this is all merely emotional, as postponement of the trial (and therefore its ultimate resolution) was deeply disappointing and frustrating to me. Turns out I also had strep throat. And then the sinus infection. All I really could do, for a lot of, many days, was rest. I humbly postponed client meetings. I took a break from typical marketing activities. I cancelled work outs. I stopped cooking. I knew I’d reached my limit.
Reaching my limit was a miracle. (My favorite definition of “miracle” is from A Course in Miracles: “a shift in perception.”) I finally shifted my perception of myself to someone allowed to stop. Someone for whom it’s safe to stop. Someone who can stop constantly moving, tend only to her needs, and survive it. Just for a while.
The youngsters understood. My friends understood. My clients were very kind about it. Dear people made time to create me food and do a few lots of our laundry. And I healed.
A Course in Miracles also says “Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The actual miracle may be the love that inspires them. In this sense anything that arises from love is just a miracle.” My miracle is that I finally loved myself enough to prevent looking after anything else and start nurturing only me. Naps. Bravo TV. Plenty of books. Soothing music. Quiet time. Meditation. Several lovely days on Cape Cod in quite a inn all by myself.
My fear that if I stopped, everything would crash down around me — was False Evidence Appearing Real. Stopping was absolutely necessary. Ultimately rejuvenating. And I discovered energy and support to clear my ex’s possessions out my home. And to clean out everything the kids had outgrown. Then I read and napped some more. The times were a cloud of alternating activity and rest – all off my usual beaten path.
From this whole experience I remembered I am loved, by my parents, friends, Spirit, myself, and people I didn’t even know had been thinking of me. After more than two weeks far from business I concluded that I must schedule regular, true downtime for myself – maybe even take 2 weeks far from work 2-3 times per year. Radical. Easy. Lovely. Loving.